Sunday, June 19, 2005

No fancy HTML or Markup for me today. To late.

It's 2:25 am, cali time. I'm not tired, but I'm going to retire my butt to bed soon.
Listening to Chop Suey by System Of A Down... My comps somehow losing Virtual Memory so things are running slowly, I think that between the typing, the web page blinking, which I am about to close. Done. That actually helped, but not a great amount. I lay my head back, and sigh. I close my eyes... Only to snap them back open. I can't go to sleep. I'm to awake. When my eyes close, the thoughts come spilling into view, sorting and distorting. I see all my life before me, to mentally grab and view... I realize I'm drifting into sleep when a fly buzzes by my ear. I snap awake and straigthen. I spare the fly for services rendered and send it on it's way. I can feel the weight of the last few years bearing down on my soul. I can actually feel it... between my shoulder blades, kinda pressing down on my lower abdomen and pelvis. It's their... I blink and the usual darkness is exploding lights of thoughts. I know know I am not asleep, but I can hear voices pressing in on my conciousness. Greed, Envy, Lust, Pride, and Anger all press loud and clamoring on my thoughts, just outside the bubble I call my conciousness. A little child in the corner with a small, clear voice tells me they are bad, evil. I've closed my eyes, now, and see the physical scene of this mental issue. A transparent shimmering sheild over a dais and stage... All outside is dark, not evil but mysterious. Inside all is white, graceful curves. Five of the Seven Deadly Sins exist, laying outside the bubble as small multicolor shifting lights, and when one grows particularly loud, a small enraged image of me as that sin pounds on the shield, only to fade back into the light. Anger is the largest, and recently most powerful of these. Inside are quite white lights, shaped as graceful flowing humanoids, in a recess around the dais. They are odd, and I can't identify them, or even if they belong to me. On the stage are more figures, each like me, sitting, standing, leaning. They are all speaking to each other, some arguing, some agreeing, some passing time. White figures drift towards these, then drift back to the crowd. Upon the raised, outwardly flaring dais, stand two regal figures of myself, each with a dark shape on their arms like regal couples. As I mentally draw close I recognize a longer haired version of myself, guitar slung across his back. He stands oddly dominate over the other, and as I move my thoughts closer I see the shape on his arms is my girlfriend, a warm smile on both faces. An aura of calm, assuring, and dominate happiness exudes from the pair. I float around to see the others, resuming my previous distance. My hair is short, and my face oddly scarred, like from fights I'd avoided. I draw a little closer, and see that I am physically stronger, but a slightly menacing stance in my pose halts my progress. For the first time someone acknowledges my presence. All the voices stop speaking, and all faces turn to my little amoeba of thought, the only faces abstaining are the largest two, who continue to stare away from each other, though they stand side to side, akimbo. I drift closer to the second pair, and am startled to see the look of peace in the others, but also the aura of regal menace, not of a want to harm, but perhaps a willingness to if necesary, and an ability to. I draw closer to the shadow, and the shadows from both figures fall. I am startled to see who is on my arm. I am immobolize by surprise, when the slightly darker me reaches out to grab me, make me become him, and so does the dark figure. I become distressed, and the volume of the room erupts, and continues to grow. I grow desperate, but cannot escape. Just as I am encircled in the hand of the menacing figure, I am released. I float back to see the warm figure of myself with the strongers wrist in his hand, and they stare upon each other not with hate, but with warmth and understanding emanating from both. I am again startled by this, until I recognize both. Neither is evil, but both are different. The female figures represent the women who embody my choices. All returns to as it was, as I draw towards the edge of the sheild, when motion and noise errupts from beyond the shield. All the sins are clamoring, yelling, and a dark, menacing shape rises from the darkness beyond the shield and bends to look down upon my little presence. I barely recognize myself, and though I seem stronger then both of the ones on the dais, I am also a twisted wreck, and all alone. Even the sins have backed away from the glowering figure of black. All is quiet outside and in, when a small clear voice rings out like a triumphant clarion in the night, and the dark figure dissapates, and the small child, who resembles nothing of myself, but more that of a small street urchin down on her luck strides back to her her odd corner, and sits back down to her quiet singing. I glide over to her, and she looks directly at me and utters something, small and clear, beautiful beyond man, and I understand it to be time for me to wake. I glide over to the dais, and fly half-way between the shield, and the darkness beyond, and the heads of my selves. I hang their like a guiding and protecting star. I open my eyes and realize, that for all the time this happened, not two seconds have passed. The clock still says the same time, and my song has not progressed but a few notes. I resign myself to return, one day, to my mind, and begin to write the proceedings from my mind. Having finished, at 3:05, I will now publish this post, turn out the last light and turn off the music. I will now sleep. Until then, rest easy, lest my insanity be yours. 3:06, now. Good night.